it's my mom's 75th birthday today

and it's been 19 years since she's spoken to me

This day and also Mother's Day have been difficult all of my life. When I was younger I thought that it was my fault that these days were awful because I was a bad daughter and couldn't fête my mom properly. All of these years and all of this therapy later, with so much emotional and physical distance from her - which I truly do not want but both were forced on me - I am feeling that shame less than ever but it's still there.